All the while, I was playing games like: Monster Hunter World, Overcooked 2, Touhou Luna Nights, Under Night In-Birth Exe:Late[st], Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater 3D, Blade Strangers, and The Messenger. Everything seemed great and I felt happy, albeit a bit pressured by my own expectations.
My sister had come home to visit two weeks ago. Due to past events from last year and pressure from work, my sister has been stressed and upset expressed from the conversations we've had each time she has come home. In one of the conversations we had on the night of September 15th, she said something that had triggered something within me. Slowly, all thoughts of struggle, difficulty, disappointments, fears, anger, resentment and everything in-between throughout my whole life started flooding my mind and tormented me all night long for 7.5 hours before I manged to fall asleep. I tried so hard to just sleep and forget everything and just move on with my life. But after just a mere 3 hours of sleep, I had woken up and felt like I had a clear head, and then it the thoughts came back. After lying in bed for another 3 hours, I decided to just get out of bed. When I got downstairs I knew I couldn't hide anything as I was already at a breaking point and felt like I was going crazy. You could say I went through a nervous breakdown or mental meltdown. I spent the next 5 hours of the day yelling and crying, trying to express all of my anger, doubts, disappointments, frustrations, fears; just everything that came to mind to my parents and sister. I do not wish to explain any of it as they're all to personal for me to post in a blog. It was an arduous process. I had some closure to some of my fears and doubts and I was hoping I'd maybe feel better after getting everything off my chest, but I felt miserable. At the very least, my head felt more clear and my heart less heavy. I was exhausted, numb, and I just felt so empty. I didn't feel good about myself or my life for the next week. I didn't feel like myself, as if my soul was removed from my body. I tried playing videogames Monday night and I couldn't even enjoy what I was playing. I spent the following week playing music, trying to find myself in it. I also spent the week trying to get through Metal Gear Solid 1 which I had bought that Saturday before my outburst. It's strange, but the message the game conveyed felt like it helped me get through some of the difficulties in my mind.
It's been a little over a week now and I'm starting to feel more like my usual self. Over the weekend, I still felt empty like I lost direction in my life. But I came to a decision I felt would help me: I'm going to try to fulfill as many of my New Year's Resolution as I possibly can. I always set really difficult resolutions that I could never finish in hopes that I'd try harder and be more productive that year, but I rarely fulfill them because of it. As we approach the end of September, I felt I didn't have much time to actually fulfill them, but deciding to focus on them fills me with renewed purpose and drive. My mind feels clear once again and my heart is once again excited. I obviously have a lot to sort out in my mind and in my life, but it's going to take time.
